Is blogging weekly a committment I can make?
I am not sure. Because I need to feel like the words are coming totally from me and that the end of a "blog", I like to call them conversations, is already within my sites.
I certainly have enough thoughts, ideas and opinions to write about, discuss or spew forth; but I don't think at this time I can completely commit to the weekly blog, I will try though.
My sister came to town this week. Sometimes referred to as "the interloper", she is the sibling who pushed me out of the "middle" position. This is a fact, but not a view I seem to internalize. Our family has a large gap between the third and fourth child. I am the second born, and there is 7 years between me and the last child; my sister who is visiting.
I find it odd when family visits; mosly because the dynamic of all the interwoven relationships shift and change. It is not something that you can really anticipate or plan for, at least I cannot. I feel it happen. Something is said, there is a nuance in the way a niece or nephew or even my mother talks to me and the shift is felt. For me, it is immediately followed by a fall in my emotional bearing, a depression.
At that time I must deal with it, accept it and decide how or if I am going to react. Sometimes it just means a little time away from the family; quiet and alone. Time to comtemplate the reality that MY EXISTENCE, MY PERSONAL SENSE OF SELF is not altered.
Another thing about this "shift" is that it is more pronounced and greater by the number of family members around. It is sort of like a personal quake. An emergency that needs time, when infact time cannot be found.
I love my family, but I cannot say that I like family gatherings. I have always found them to be a great strain on my emotional bearing. I find myself doubtful of my value, my likeability or place within my family.
I considered this to be connected with my status as a single woman. I am alone in my life and in my family. I do not have a spouse. I was not blessed with children. I live alone, with a cat and now a parrot. But I feel like these things are not valued by my family members.
I think I have finally acheived something that my family values, becoming a nurse. They seem to value my skill and knowledge in the medical field. I am asked questions and allowed to offer advice. But even though I do find pleasure in this inclusion, I still feel very undervalued by my family.
Now that I find myself in the middle of my family and my life. I find that I feel undervalued in a whole new way. I feel like I am toss away, an old kleenex or paper towel. I feel this way because my life, such as it is, is not considered when it comes to making decisions about who can be of help and assistance to my parents. It is considered that I, as the unmarried female relative with no children and only a job that requires three-12 hour shifts a week, have the time and the "life" to devote to my aging parents needs. If this issue were to be discussed out in the open, I am sure that everyone would say "nonsense"; but really, who is going to do the helping. I have left it, planned time away but when I get back the tasks are there, the needs unfullfilled and I do them. I have an older brother, who has a wife and two grown daughters; but they are of minimal help. My brother helps in "manly" ways; lifting, loading and doing mechanical things. My sister-in-law checks on my mother, and asks her to dinner or "family" functions. These family functions involve her "side" of the family. My nieces visit only when their parents do. A main part of these relationships is hurt or hindered by the fact that my brother and his family are "Mormons" and my mother is Catholic. I think my sister-in-law would be ecstatic if mom would just allow herself to be converted...but I cannot ever see that happening.
My sisters choose not to be involved in the aging of my parents, except from afar. This visit was made to see just how bad things are, really; since mom's decision to place dad in a nursing home. Was it really necessary? Should they object? Were they needed to save dad from mom?
In talking to my co-workers and friends I find that the "sibling" group of any family has great difficulty reaching agreement with regards to the questions raised by aging parents. Money issues arise, housing, care needs and who has the best and latest knowledge all play a part. And then the most difficult aspect rises to the top of any discussion, the pecking order! Yes, no matter how old you are, how mature you feel you have grown or what level of education; the order and sex of birth continues to cloud, reveal or cast a pall over these discussions.
My brother being the only male sibling and first born will try to assert dominance, and claim the right to make the decisions. The youngest, a girl will use her right as the "baby" of the family to manipulate decisions to her way of thinking. The two "middle" sisters, I being the older; will assert their ideas and dominance within the realms of their greatest means of influence (me, probably using medical opinion and knowledge, and my sister by asserting her ability to make decisions without consultation or by just plain stubbornness!).
None of us is "right". None of us is alone, although the feeling is that we are alone.
Here is my actual, true hope for any discussion we as siblings need to have; that we each, as individuals are allowed to say our peace, and that we each hear each other. True decisions with regards to family are not easy, they take that which every family hopes to have instilled within the group from inception, love and caring.
I have great hopes for my family as we continue our way through this latest maze in life.
I am not sure. Because I need to feel like the words are coming totally from me and that the end of a "blog", I like to call them conversations, is already within my sites.
I certainly have enough thoughts, ideas and opinions to write about, discuss or spew forth; but I don't think at this time I can completely commit to the weekly blog, I will try though.
My sister came to town this week. Sometimes referred to as "the interloper", she is the sibling who pushed me out of the "middle" position. This is a fact, but not a view I seem to internalize. Our family has a large gap between the third and fourth child. I am the second born, and there is 7 years between me and the last child; my sister who is visiting.
I find it odd when family visits; mosly because the dynamic of all the interwoven relationships shift and change. It is not something that you can really anticipate or plan for, at least I cannot. I feel it happen. Something is said, there is a nuance in the way a niece or nephew or even my mother talks to me and the shift is felt. For me, it is immediately followed by a fall in my emotional bearing, a depression.
At that time I must deal with it, accept it and decide how or if I am going to react. Sometimes it just means a little time away from the family; quiet and alone. Time to comtemplate the reality that MY EXISTENCE, MY PERSONAL SENSE OF SELF is not altered.
Another thing about this "shift" is that it is more pronounced and greater by the number of family members around. It is sort of like a personal quake. An emergency that needs time, when infact time cannot be found.
I love my family, but I cannot say that I like family gatherings. I have always found them to be a great strain on my emotional bearing. I find myself doubtful of my value, my likeability or place within my family.
I considered this to be connected with my status as a single woman. I am alone in my life and in my family. I do not have a spouse. I was not blessed with children. I live alone, with a cat and now a parrot. But I feel like these things are not valued by my family members.
I think I have finally acheived something that my family values, becoming a nurse. They seem to value my skill and knowledge in the medical field. I am asked questions and allowed to offer advice. But even though I do find pleasure in this inclusion, I still feel very undervalued by my family.
Now that I find myself in the middle of my family and my life. I find that I feel undervalued in a whole new way. I feel like I am toss away, an old kleenex or paper towel. I feel this way because my life, such as it is, is not considered when it comes to making decisions about who can be of help and assistance to my parents. It is considered that I, as the unmarried female relative with no children and only a job that requires three-12 hour shifts a week, have the time and the "life" to devote to my aging parents needs. If this issue were to be discussed out in the open, I am sure that everyone would say "nonsense"; but really, who is going to do the helping. I have left it, planned time away but when I get back the tasks are there, the needs unfullfilled and I do them. I have an older brother, who has a wife and two grown daughters; but they are of minimal help. My brother helps in "manly" ways; lifting, loading and doing mechanical things. My sister-in-law checks on my mother, and asks her to dinner or "family" functions. These family functions involve her "side" of the family. My nieces visit only when their parents do. A main part of these relationships is hurt or hindered by the fact that my brother and his family are "Mormons" and my mother is Catholic. I think my sister-in-law would be ecstatic if mom would just allow herself to be converted...but I cannot ever see that happening.
My sisters choose not to be involved in the aging of my parents, except from afar. This visit was made to see just how bad things are, really; since mom's decision to place dad in a nursing home. Was it really necessary? Should they object? Were they needed to save dad from mom?
In talking to my co-workers and friends I find that the "sibling" group of any family has great difficulty reaching agreement with regards to the questions raised by aging parents. Money issues arise, housing, care needs and who has the best and latest knowledge all play a part. And then the most difficult aspect rises to the top of any discussion, the pecking order! Yes, no matter how old you are, how mature you feel you have grown or what level of education; the order and sex of birth continues to cloud, reveal or cast a pall over these discussions.
My brother being the only male sibling and first born will try to assert dominance, and claim the right to make the decisions. The youngest, a girl will use her right as the "baby" of the family to manipulate decisions to her way of thinking. The two "middle" sisters, I being the older; will assert their ideas and dominance within the realms of their greatest means of influence (me, probably using medical opinion and knowledge, and my sister by asserting her ability to make decisions without consultation or by just plain stubbornness!).
None of us is "right". None of us is alone, although the feeling is that we are alone.
Here is my actual, true hope for any discussion we as siblings need to have; that we each, as individuals are allowed to say our peace, and that we each hear each other. True decisions with regards to family are not easy, they take that which every family hopes to have instilled within the group from inception, love and caring.
I have great hopes for my family as we continue our way through this latest maze in life.
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