The Middle SUCKS!

I hate the middle. Being sandwiched between people, feelings, stuff, their stuff and the constant miscommunications. I am just hating it right now.
My sister-in-law's mom died this past week. It is a very sad happening; she was not sick. she was not over expressing her age. she was out to lunch with her daughters. It is very sad. I brings the "mortal coil" front and center to my eyes, mind and soul. I have felt fear eat at me these past few days. A co-worker's father died a few weeks ago. Whose turn will it be next? Please, GOD NOT ME! I am not ready to lose my parents or a member of my family.
Then the fear eats at you, and anger builds. All of this leads to "change" and what do we really hate most in life... change! With every change we are forced, yes FORCED, to re-evaluate our life and the lives of those around us and see how we fit, now; post change.
My mother and I usually talk on the phone during my drive to work, (what did we do before cell phones??), and last night was no exception. Mom was telling me about her day. We discussed Daddy, and Dawn Hansen. I said something that I know I have said many many times before in our conversations, and she blew up. Well I was brought up short, and quickly. I was also instantly MAD. I wanted to hang up on her and fast. How dare she think I mean the worst thing and not give me the benefit of the doubt that I meant something innocent and as a joke. I am still mad. It has been over 12 hours of work and I am still mad.
Jumping to conclusions and taking offense immediately are both like death to me. They create the same thing inside of me, a sense of fear and impending change. Part of me wants to run, punish and crawl into myself. I want to cut back at my mother, say something that will make her feel bad for this long.
But that reaction brings the fear, too.
I am exhausted now, very very tired from an overnight of work. I hope as much sleep will calm me, get my mind time to "get over it" and be reasonable.
Oy! the middle is not white or creamy.